Thursday, December 18, 2008

A rose is a rose is a rose.

I'm nervous to post about this but I can't not when I've been thinking about it for so long.

This was a thoughtful post, with many thoughtful comments, on the decision to change or not to change your last name when you get married. I'll be honest: I haven't made up my mind yet. I see pros and cons to both sides. But what hurts my feelings is when people assume there's no decision to be made--like with monograms. So what this commenter said really resonated with me:

"I understand the feminist issues with changing, or not changing your name when you get married, but I don't think the solution come from women making one decision or another, I think equality comes when we start asking men whether or not they're going to change their names."

Actually now that I reread it it's even more radical than when I first glanced over it--I thought it said "when we start asking women." I still agree with the even loftier sentiment, that equality will only truly arrive when we habitually ask the guy if he's going to change his name. But we're not even at the stage where everyone asks the girl . Whichever decision you made or plan to make, I respect that. But I think it is just that: a decision, and not a given.


the other lion said...

I agree. Can't really add more to your argument, cause it's a good one.

twodollarbill said...

i'm not sure what i will do either. on one hand i really love the idea of sharing chris' last name and once we have kids, i want our whole family to have the same last name. on the other hand, i've grown quite accustomed to my own last name and don't want to change it.

part of my problem also is that chris feels very strongly about me changing it and i am a rebellious person.

LBL said...

Mike (and some of his family members) were upset I didn't fully take his last name. But whatever. I feel it's an antiquated tradition and I spent 26 years of my life as one name, I shouldn't have to change it because I got married. I chose to hyphenate and it works well for me. Friends still call me by my maiden name, I can get introduced to new people under Mike's name and for everything else in between - I've got my hyphenated name. However, it is entirely a personal decision and everyone should respect whatever you decide to do.

Psst, come on, join the hyphenator's club! You know you want to. :)

traci said...

It is not an easy decision. I waffled for almost our entire engagement. When Andrew asked what HE could do to make it easier for me, the weight just lifted. And now we both have my last name as a second middle name. It was a logistical nightmare, but I like the decision we came to together and I like my name.

Have you considered using your name in your professional life and Chris's name in your personal life? I've heard good things about that option.

Either way, I know you'll come to a conclusion you're happy with.

Kathy said...

Start the revolution. Ask all engaged men you know. Of if you don't know them, ask their fiances. I try to. Don't forget the Rooney/Roske household. Going strong with two as no one wanted to change. Jordan wore his wedding band when they were engaged too, because he wanted to show he was "spoken for." Ef yeah. Marriage isn't a name or a piece of paper or a ring anyway right? Eternal love and support to you, Laura.

liz said...

I just can't see Chris Arnold... ;) Leah took Ben's last name, but kept her maiden as her middle and Abbey and Geo both hyphenated their names (Cicc-Maher). I think you may be surprised at how accepting the families and general public will be with whatever decision you make. In my case, I would have hyphenated, but it goes beyond rhyming with the two names and I wanted my children to have the same identity as me. Good luck with the decision! You know I'm partial to the B, but all sound lovely.