Wednesday, March 11, 2009

So it goes.

I'm currently embroiled in a rotten fight with two friends I've had ever since I moved to the city. It's haunting me; but the thing is every time I retrace my steps, every time I bore yet another friend or relative or coworker with how it all came to happen, I literally, sincerely, genuinely can't see that I have anything to apologize to them for. I felt mistreated, and I said so, and now they're upset. They have their side of the story, of course, but I simply do not agree with it.

One of them said yesterday words to the effect of "What I'm hearing is that you don't want to be friends anymore, and that feels like a slap in the face." I think that's one of the things (the only thing, actually) that I keep feeling guilty about--maybe because it's true. I never came out and said "I don't want to be friends with you anymore." But the truth is, I don't.

And haven't. For a while.

They're both moving out of the city this summer and I thought I could just keep it going, keep up the friendly facade and then maintain a gradually less frequent email relationship for the next few years until we all fade away. Their behavior the other week that caused the fight in question, changed that. I'm a nice person, but I'm not ENTIRELY a doormat. But the thing is, right now it's hard for me to respond to their own hurt feelings with any kind of love. All I want to do is say "Peace out" and be done. Some people have counseled me to do exactly that. Well, I can't leave that kind of bad karma in my wake--I can't have that on my conscience, that cruelty to reproach myself over in years to come (because I WILL). But, frankly, I don't want the bad karma of their presence in my life, either.

I rack my brains again and again--"Did I do something I should be apologizing for?" And I rack my brains: "When was the last time hanging out with them was a positive experience? Where I came home and Chris asked, 'Did you have fun?' and I said anything other than 'Meh'? Made me feel good about myself? Engaged me intellectually, emotionally, even, hell, shopping-wise?" I mean, they make fun of my clothes, so that's out. They made fun of my ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS. Why am I even wasting my anguish? They have no idea that I bought my wedding dress--because they never ASK. When we get together, we talk about one's dating travails, and the other's work travails. I'm there in the role of supportive listener. They said, "We feel like this isn't the Laura we know." What Laura DO you know? I'm curious.

It's my turn to respond. I have to give it some time so that my words can be gentle yet firm, as opposed to furious and firm, which is what they would be right now. But dude, the only thing worse than a fight where you do care about your opponent is a fight where you don't.

7 comments:

the other lion said...

I love you. And I'm pretty sure you know MY opinion.... =)

Traci said...

Sweet darling. The thing is, you're getting nothing from this relationship. And since they're not getting to know the real Laura (the true, incredible, I'd totally walk across the desert for you Laura), they're probably not getting anything out of it either. Wish them the best life has to offer and then move forward. Without them. I love you.

d. said...

What I particularly love about this whole bit of drama, though, is that not only have you realized you're not a doormat, but you've stopped allowing yourself to be treated as one. Five years ago I'm not sure you would have acted on that. Sure, you might have screeched frustration to a few of us over a healthy dose of boxed wine, but I'm pretty confident you'd have rolled over -- mostly because you've done it before with these two.

But you're a Big Girl now, and it looks like you're finally seeing yourself the way the rest of us see you: as someone worthy of a hell of lot better.

Kathy said...

In times of stress you know the thing to do it stop by the store and get some ice cream or some pre-made FROSTED brownies and have yourself and nice treat. Chocolate is always part of the answer (if not the whole one.) And it stimulates your brain so you will choose all the right things to say, faster. Much love.

Alison said...

Um, your engagement photos were awesome and you're a good dresser so they can suck it six ways to Sunday.

the other lion said...

Right on, Alison! Just because SOME PEOPLE have NO creativity....

Elizabeth said...

You have amazing style and engagement photos. Anyone who doesn't appreciate you shouldn't have the pleasure of being around you!